Have You Been Drinking?
A male driver gets stopped by police, and is asked: "Have you been drinking?"
The man replies: "Okay, yes, I have... how did you know officer? Was I swerving across the road, or speeding?"
"No sir," replied the policeman, "...nothing else can explain that fat ugly woman sitting next to you."
A MIRACLE
A priest gets pulled over for speeding.
The police officer sees an empty wine bottle in his car and smells alcohol on his breath. "Father, have you been drinking?" asks the officer.
"Only water, my son." replies the priest.
"Why then do I smell wine?" questions the officer.
The priest, looking at the wine bottle, replies, "Oh my Lord, He's gone and done it again!"
MISSING PERSON REPORT
A woman took her next-door neighbor with her when she went to the police station to report her husband was missing.
"Could you give me a description of your husband ma'am." the officer asked.
"He's 35 years old, 6 foot 2, weighs approximately 190 pounds, has a very athletic build, gorgeous blue eyes, dark hair, is very soft spoken and wonderful with the children." the woman replied.
"Wait a minute!" the neighbor protested. "Your husband is 5 foot 4, bald, fat, has brown eyes, a very big mouth and is mean to your children."
"Yes, but who wants HIM back?" the woman said.
Sign Language
One day a certain lady was driving on the highway. She frequently checked her speedometer to make sure she wasn't speeding. However, when she looked into her rear mirror, much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind! And, to make matters worse, the police car turned on his flashing lights.
She thought to herself, "Uh-oh, what have I done now? I'm not speeding. I'm not drinking. I have my seat belt on! I have kept my license current and everything!" So, she pulled over and the police car pulled over to the side right behind her car. She drove her car slowly to a stop, slowly rolled down the window, and prepared for a ticket when she knew she didn't deserve it.
A policeman walked up to her window, and spoke to her. The lady pointed to her ear and shook her head, meaning she was deaf.
The policeman smiled slightly, and knowing sign language, signed back, "I know. I'm here to tell you that your horn is stuck."
HOT DATE
A guy on a date parks his car and gets the girl in the back seat. They make love, but the girl wants to make love again so the guy complies. She wants more and they do it once again.
She still wants more and the guy says "Excuse me a minute, I have to relieve myself."
While out of the car he notices a man half a block away changing a flat. He asks the man "Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've made love to her four or five times and she still wants more. I'll change your flat if you'll take over for me."
So that's what the man does and he is just getting in the high numbers when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them.
The cop asks "What are you doing in there?"
The guy says "I'm making love to my wife."
The cop asks "Why don't you do that at home?"
The guy answers, "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife until you shined the light on her."
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