BUBBA AND CLEM
Bubba and Clem found three hand grenades and they decided that they better take them to the police station.
"What if one of them explodes before we get there?" asks Clem.
"Don't worry about it," says Bubba. "We'll just lie and tell them we only found two."
The Golfer
A murder has been committed.
Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground.
The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?"
"Yes."
"Did you hit her with that golf club?"
"Yes. Yes, I did," the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head.
"How many times did you hit her?"
"I don't know. Five...six ...put me down for a four."
LAPD
LAPD OFFICER: "We arrested this man beating the living daylights out of some poor slob for no reason at all! What should we charge him with?"
DESK SERGEANT: "Impersonating an Officer."
CPR CERTIFIED
Having recently completed a CPR course, a lady was anxious for the chance to try out what she had learned. One day while she was leaving the shopping center, she spotted a man lying on the ground with a crowd of people around him.
Feeling this was her chance, she screamed, "Get back, I know CPR", ran to the guy, tossed her bag down, loosened all his clothing and prepared to administer mouth-to-mouth.
Suddenly, a huge policeman tapped her on the shoulder and said, "Lady! Do you mind? I'm trying to arrest this man!."
CHAPPED LIPS
An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."
"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."
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