Page of Police Cop, Security Guard, Fireman, Rescue, Private investigator jokes

I Can't Do That

A police officer pulls over this guy, who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

"Sorry, Officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that, either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, Officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then, I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, Officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

BAR FIGHT

A young boy went running down the street in search of a policeman. Finding one, he pleaded, "Officer, please I need you to come back to the bar with me. My dad is in a fight."

The officer accompanied him back to the bar where he found three guys in a fistfight. "Ok, now which one is your father?" he asked the young boy.

"I don't know, officer. That's what they're fighting about!"

THE FARMHAND

A redneck farmhand is driving 'round the farm, checking the fences.

After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling - what should I do?"

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush."

The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.

"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing."

Someone Really Important

After getting all Pope John-Paul II's luggage loaded in the limo (and His Holiness doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regret his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh,wonderful. Now I'm really gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the patrolman approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that - he's really important," said the cop.

"All the more reason."

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

"What'd ya got there, the Mayor?"

"Bigger."

"The Governor?"

"Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

"I think it's God!"

"What makes you think it's God?"

"Well, He's got the Pope driving for Him!"